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They say home is where the heart is, but I couldn’t remember where I put the rest of the Body.

 

“Unbelievable!” was Jessie’s first reaction. “You’re a no-good murderer!”

 

She was right. Only three weeks into my new job as a murderer and I was no good at it.

 

“You ain’t cut out for this business, kid. Who told you that you could murder? You should be flipping burgers.”

 

That one stung but only because I used to flip burgers and I wasn’t any good at that either. Somewhere between ‘can I take your order’ and ‘have a great day’ I would lead customers into chit-chatting about stuff like asphyxiation and corpse-robbing. Just trying to pass the time, ya know? But they still fired me anyway.

 

“I’ve never seen someone so stupid that they lose an entire Body. You’re a real piece of work.” Jessie kept on saying that. “A real piece of work, you know that?” But to be completely honest with you I didn’t know that. No one ever told me what a real piece of work was. I felt like I should ask but I kept my quiet.

 

We sped down the dirt road in our company van. Lines of dense, dark forest raced along the windows. Rocks kicked up and smacked the windshield. Every bump on the way felt like a bad migraine, but we did have heated seats so that evened things out a bit.

 

To calm the storm I said, “Wow, we’re really hauling ass in this thing, huh?”

 

Jessie didn’t respond at first. The grave realization began to dawn on me that I probably shouldn’t be chit-chatting. No sense in losing this job, too.

 

“The only ass I’m hauling is you, Marlene,” Jessie said, snorting hot air out her nose and pressing down on the gas pedal. “If we don’t have that bag of bones back in the Bodyshop before 8:00, Leonard is going to throw a fit.”

 

Ugh.

 

Leonard was the one who hired me for this job. He’s a Head Manager. They take a lot of brains. During the interview, he said that I “wasn’t much” in the brains department but that I had “a lot of heart.” You would think they’re two totally different things but they’re really not. That’s the Cadaver Industry for you.

 

I honestly had no idea what I did wrong. As an apprentice Murderer, they just tell me where to go collect the Bodies. How hard can that job be? I used to think. Bodies are bodies. Some you win, some you lose.

 

Jessie’s way higher up the corporate ladder though. As a journeyman she’s licensed to poison, maim, and occasionally sell door-to-door.

 

So anyway, Jessie swung our van into this campsite around two in the morning. The glow of the moon gave us a little bit of nightlight. Three beat-up Cabins sat on the waterfront. I started thinking that they looked way different from how I remembered seeing them earlier. I guess it's way sunnier in the daytime than at night.

 

“Ok Marlene, all I want to do is find that Body. Let’s just get in, get out, and go.” That felt like a lot of directions.

 

We grabbed a pair of flashlights and trekked into the nearest Cabin. Nothing in there. On the walk over to the second Cabin, I wanted to ask if we were still in the get-in stage or the get-out stage or some combination of the two. The whole thing seemed super confusing.

 

We stepped onto the second cabin’s porch. Someone had carved the initials FR&SN into the door. I told myself to keep one eye peeled for Frankenstein.

 

Jessie grabbed the rusty door handle and tried to give it turn. It was locked.

 

“Let’s see,” she thought aloud, which is sort of like talking aloud but instead you just use your thoughts.

 

She reached over her shoulder and pulled a crowbar out of her backpack, then wedged it into the doorframe. With a few heave-hos, the wood split apart and some fog poured out of the seam. We had a little room to peek inside and so I popped on my flashlight.

 

“What do you want?” a deep voice echoed from inside the Cabin. It shocked me so much that I tossed my flashlight into the woods. Then I let out a big-time gulp.

 

“We’re murderers,” Jessie said, all business. “We’re Local 156 from Albany. Just doing a routine sweep. We think we may have left a Body behind in the area. Mind if we take a quick look-see?”

 

“Go away!” the Voice said. “You can’t come in.”

 

“Just for a minute?” Jessie said.

 

“There’s nobody here to murder,” the Voice said.

 

I whispered to Jessie, “He’s probably just shy.”

 

“Sir” Jessie said, relying on her sales training, “I realize your hesitation. No one wants to be murdered but its actually a very lucrative endeavor. In fact, I just spoke with a couple in Florida who were able to pay down their mortgage at twice the rate — “

 

“ — No!” the Voice shouted, cutting her off.

 

“Try thinking about it as an investment into your future. For only a little murdering today you could be seeing ten times the return — “

 

“No! Please just go away.” On that abrupt note their little talk ended.

 

I told Jessie how I felt the Voice sounded sincere about the Body definitely not being in there. What I really wanted to say, but didn’t, was that I accidentally mailed the Body to Minneapolis and just now remembered it. Whoopsie-daisy.

 

“Marlene, he’s hiding something,” Jessie said. “I’ve seen shenanigans like this before. People stumble upon one of our Bodies and then try to claim that they’re the ones who killed them.”

 

“Why would they do that?”

 

“Because they can use it as a trade-in with an Undertaker to get deals on graves, like getting one of those premium spots out by the highway. You get it?”

 

I nodded like I understood what she saying, but honestly, now I was trying to remember if it was actually Minneapolis or Indianapolis. I always mix those two up.

 

“He has our Body. I know he has it.”

 

To me, it sounded like Jessie thought that he had it. Her tone was so certain that I started to believe it too, so I just figured what the hell.

 

We climbed back into the van. Jessie revved up the engine and put it in gear, then charged full speed ahead. We rammed through the Cabin’s front door and tore that thing off its hinges. Then we plowed ahead until we crashed through the rear wall.

 

We kicked up a lot of dust and it looked like we were trapped in a cloud. So then I told myself to keep another eye peeled for Cherubs, and hoped that nothing else funny was going on in those woods because I was all out of eyes.

 

As soon as we cleared the other side of the Cabin, she spun the van around and rammed into it again. And again. And again until the Cabin was in a million little pieces. The last few times seemed like overkill but Jessie seemed to be having fun so I was cool with it.

 

She pulled the van over to a complete stop, then showed off a little by parallel parking between two canoes. We waited for the dust cloud to settle. When it did, the Cabin was nowhere in sight. The only thing left behind was a small wooden casket.

 

I turned to Jessie with shock in my eyes. She stared back at me with the same look of complete horror. Then I thought we might be playing that game where the first person to blink loses. She blinked first.

 

“You lose!” I yelled, feeling like a real winner.

 

We piled out of the van and walked up to the casket which was now billowing with fog. Jessie tried brushing some of it away with her hands but it didn’t seem to do much. The fog just kept pouring out nonstop.

 

“Oh come on already!” she shouted. The casket did what it was told and cleared up immediately.

 

“Nice.” I said.

 

We got a look inside the casket. There was a skeleton that still looked like it was in okay shape. Decent bone structure. Couple of teeth. Maybe a big milk drinker.

 

“Oh my…” she said, then twisted her head toward me. “Do you know what this means?!”

 

I had no idea but I nodded yes.

 

“You have no idea, do you?”

 

I nodded no. She really had me there.

 

“Marlene, this Cabin was haunted, and because we exercised the spirit that dwelled within it we get to claim its Body, okay? Now listen to me, this information is unheard of in our line of work. If everyone knew how easy it is to kill a haunted house, everyone would be doing it.”

 

“Oh,” I said.

 

“Think about how easy it is to murder a haunted house. It’s way easier than murdering a human. For one, houses can’t run away.”

 

“Because they don’t have shoes!”

 

“Exactly! Just think of all the haunted houses that don’t have home-owners insurance. Easy pickings! And most of the time they’re being rented out to, can you believe it, renters! And what’s the number one thing that renters don’t have?”

 

“Life insurance!” I said.

 

“Now you’re starting to get it, Marlene,” she said. “From now on you and I are going Haunted House Hunting.” Jessie continued.

 

She went on to explain that we could make millions and maybe even land our own reality show. We could call it Surreal Estate or maybe Post-Mortgage. Then she warned me about how much money we stood to lose if this information got out there.

 

“When we get back to work, try to forget that you saw any of this,” she said.

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“Saw what?” I asked as we loaded the casket into the van.

 

“That’s right, Marlene,” she said with a smile, but I had no idea what she was talking about and I still don’t. What were we doing out in the woods at three in the morning anyways? I felt like I should ask but I kept my quiet.

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